I have a weakness for watching games from humble bleachers. While the NFL strikes me as bloated and boring, I have a real soft spot for high school and college athletics. It’s that heady combination of brisk weather, falling leaves, hot chocolate and raging hormones: all that youthful potential makes me feel wistful and hopeful and alive. By comparison, professional football is just so lame. Big dumb dudes who make too much money tickling and tackling and chasing each other around with a funny brown ball just doesn’t appeal to me. I do however enjoy any excuse to get together with friends on a Sunday afternoon or Monday evening for eating, drinking and dedicated merriment. And so I have compiled a short list of recipes that are ideal for autumn get-togethers, whether you’re crowded around the old flat screen in a cozy living room or tailgating outdoors before a classic confrontation of rivals, these decadent treats are sure to win over your hungry fanbase.

1. Blue Buffalo Chicken Dip

There is a time and place for fine dining, for organic, local, elegant, and adventurous fare. And then there is a season for food that is trashtastic, for food that is melty, for food you eat with your hands and lands with a thwap on the front of your shirt. That’s a quote  from the Bible, BTW. The dish that best examples the game day ethos is lifted from the Frank’s Red Hot sauce label but I will reprint it here, with a few edits and adjustments I’ve seen made on various sources from around the web.

Combine cooked, cubed chicken breast with Frank’s, softened cream cheese, blue cheese salad dressing, and a great gob of unfancy shredded cheddar cheese (this is no time for Tillamook). Bake in a greased dish at 350 for 30 minutes and serve with crackers, celery and carrot sticks.

2. Seven Level Heaven Dip

Another party classic, this Tex-Mex mothership is best made a few hours ahead of time and set in the fridge to meet and greet. There are as many ways to prepare SLHD as there are American mouths but I think this particular order of operations makes the most sense in a world of nonsense and lies.

Layer in a big serving receptacle as follows from the bottom up:

refried beans/guacamole/sour cream/tomato salsa/jack cheese/black olives/scallions

Serve with tortilla chips and plenty of napkins. This is gonna get real messy.

3. Supersonic Sausage Balls

From what I understand men love meat. And frankly, so do I. Here’s another kicky, kitchy back-of-the-box recipe that will [insert football metaphor here]

Mix 3 cups Bisquick (!) with 1 pound of sausage, 4 cups of shredded cheddar cheese ( a recurring theme?!), 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese, 1/2 cup milk, and some chopped rosemary or sage if you want to get herby. Roll into small balls and bake on a cookie sheet at 350 for 20 minutes until brown and lovely. I fear this demands some kind of dipping sauce, but I know not what. Feel free to write in with suggestions.

4. Habanero Cream Cheese Spread

These name brand recipes are so all-American, I consider them ideal for watching America’s 2nd (?) favorite pastime.

To one brick of softened Philadelphia add 2 finely diced habanero peppers (be so, so careful with these: wash hands, wear gloves, rinse in milk, do not under any circumstances rub face and eyes! I speak from experience), and a handful of shredded cheddar (time to renew that Costco membership, I’d say).

Serve with a buttery, solidly built cracker such as a Ritz (ritzy!), if they even still make those.

5. Easier than a Cheerleader Chili

We’ve covered the white meats and nearly gotten gout from the sheer amount of cheese so the only thing to do is add a pot of chili to this whorehouse and call it a day. I’d say a crock pot would be put to its best use in this scenario. You know me as an advocate of low brow sloth and Betty Crocker brand items but I draw the line at popping the top on a can of Hormel, which I saw suggested no less than twenty times in my arduous research process. That shit is nasty. Do this instead:

Combine 1 pound browned ground beef, 1/2 cup chopped white onion, 1 can diced tomatoes, 1 can kidney beans, 1 clove chopped garlic and a handful of chili powder in a slow cooker in the morning. By game time you’ll be good to go.

And there you have it sports fans. Tis the season for plaid blankets, fun flasks, football and friends. Increase your popularity, use more cheese.

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