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Woodchuck, Termite, Goat or Child? You Be the Judge.
Five years ago, when I was newly pregnant, I had assumed that the progeny that I was gestating was human.
When she arrived, I was fairly sure she was at least MOSTLY human – maybe part monkey on her father’s side of the family – but primate nonetheless.
I WAS SO WRONG.
My child is a woodchuck.
EXHIBIT A: TWO YEAR OLD DINING ROOM CHAIRS
These were brand new in February 2007. They were a gift from my father. There were 6 in the set. All 6 have been gnawed by WoodchuckGirl. Some of the chewing was so bad that I was forced to remove a panel. I ask you: what human eats wood for sport? Really?
EXHIBIT B: DOLL FURNITURE
This is a 28 year old doll house and furniture. It was given to me by my Auntie Natalie when I was a pre-schooler, and she was away at University. My mother kept it in immaculate condition for nearly three decades. It came to my house to die this summer. Within days, Termitarella had gnawed two chairs, and oven and a sofa. If you look closely at the house, you’ll see dentation marks all over the structure, as well as the little oven.
EXHIBIT C: WOODEN ROCKING PLANE
This rocking plane, also made of wood, is about 27 years old. It belonged to my brother. Again, my mother saved it for her grandchildren. It found it’s way into my house earlier in the year, and sure enough, much Woodchuckery has been observed. Look at the handles! Oral fixation much, little Goatlette?
When you become a parent, you realize that you are going to have to hide things that are precious to you. Once Baby begins to walk, you learn that anything you treasure or value will be destroyed if it isn’t secreted away in a Swiss Bank vault. Nobody prepares you for full-on destruction of wooden furnishings and toys though. Nothing is safe.
Nothing.
My advice to would-be and new parents: start living with milk crate furniture and spread newspaper all over the floor now, so you can get used to it when the time comes. Give away those electronics. That cream coloured couch? Say goodbye before baby comes, so you can minimize heartache, and preserve what little sanity you’ll have left after your bundle of poop arrives.
I’ll be banging my head against the padded walls of my cell, weeping for the sawdust that once was my dining room set.
I feel your pain. The constant destruction of all I hold dear is why I never buy anything new. I am constantly amazed at how people can keep their things nice enough to give/sell second hand. By the time my kids are done with it, I can’t even give it away on Freecycle. I have learned to weep quietly.
We just bought a brand new iMac and a brand new Fuji camera. I fear for these innocent electronics, I do. I give the camera 2 months, tops.
I don’t even weep any more.
Who knew that her nickname should have been Chuck instead of Goose?
My kids haven’t eaten any furniture (that I am aware of), but they all have gone through a Picasso stage and drawn on multiple surfaces in my home. Nothing is sacred.
I never experienced the furniture eating. My child felt the need to stand on everything. I had to remove the coffee table from my living room for 2 years. It had glass panels on top, and wouldn’t you know it, she felt the need to stand on it. She also had a fetish with the baby powder. She’d empty an entire container of powder in her room. Everything would be evenly coated in white. Including her. I have no idea how she got everything so evenly coated. Toddlers. They’re an interesting breed.
I definitely feel for you. Kids change everything! I couldn’t help but wonder though if your daughter is suffering from the disorder called Pica? Here is some info about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pica_(disorder)
Just a suggestion that you may want to look in to. She might have a nutritional deficiency. Good luck on adding more furniture to your house eventually ; )
I sympathize greatly. We had to throw out my daughter’s crib after she chewed the railing to splinters. I tried to salvage it for a while by wrapping the chewed part in duct tape and covering it in fabric, but she chewed through it to get to the wood. Sigh.
I thought I was of a select few who couldn’t have nice things!!! Thank goodness there are others out there that share in my pain and yearning for the nice things I used to enjoy pre-mommyhood. Don’t get me wrong, my three rugrats are worth every sofa stain, every broken glass, every messy pile of toys in the living room, every pb sandwich dropped on the floor only to be stepped on almost simultaneously, but nice disbursed in amongst the cahos would be wonderful at times too!
Kristen – Being that you have 4 of them, the fact that they didn’t EAT furniture was a blessing. You’d have been homeless, or at least sleeping in cardboard boxes. The drawing is bad enough, especially on certain surfaces.
Angie – Baby powder? She-it, woman. That is NASTY. You never get that vile stuff out of your house once it has been released. What a mess. I feel you on the glass panel coffee table issue though.
Andrea M – Thanks for your concern re: pica. She doesn’t have pica, although I was concerned at first. She’s a former thumb sucker, soother chewer, nail biter. Once she has bitten her nails to the flesh, she moves on to objects. She doesn’t seem to realize that as she’s staring into the glossy glow of the TV, she’s shoving wood in her mouth. I’ve caught her mid-bite, and it’s almost zombie like. It seems to be genetic- yay! Hubby is a compulsive nail biter, and I am also (ashamedly) a chewer of…stuff. My poor school supplies and Barbie doll feet back in the day!
Kristy – That is hardcore Woodchuckery! Dangerous and amusing in hindsight, but no doubt problematic at the time.
Andrea – No, you’re not alone in the World Where Everything Is Ugly To Preserve Sanity. We can assume that once they move out, we can finally have nice things, and then be cranky old ladies who want to throw doilies under everything and cover the sacred couch in plastic for all eternity….
Mine (so far) haven’t been chewers. Secunda is very much a climber and ripper, though, as well as an opener of things best left closed and an abuser of electronics. Prima was never really destructive, leaving me to think that perhaps some tales of toddler rampages were exaggerated.
Now I know better.